
We always carry the past with us. Some in increments as small as a letter or heart shaped locket, dear and sweet, some carry their past in suitcases as large as a steamer trunks so heavy with grief they are encumbered to move forward with any ease. Its begs the question… are you who you used to be?

Who did I used to be? I am fifty-four, but today I am thinking about the past, when I was sixteen or maybe seventeen. I swear I do not know why. I am traveling in a conveyance of the past, the Erie-Lackawanna. The line was founded before the Civil War, and is a remnant of the past, when train travel was as commonplace as Manifest Destiny. I think it's 1973 or ‘74. Even then, the Erie Lackawanna is old. It is older than my grandparents are, and worn about as well. The exterior is painted drab olive like an army fatigue from World War 1, and like a soldier, the train looks like something that was once distinguished, but not decorated with any honors. The seats are French caned, and worn through in inopportune spots. The blackout curtains are frayed, shorn to threads, and some do not operate. People smoke to pass the time, and plumes of smoke rise and hover over our heads like vaporic dreams. Men extinguish the ashes of their cigarette butts out with the heels of their Florsheim’s right on the floor. No one looks askance. If you are bothered by smoke, the only relief is to open a window…if you can jiggle one open. There is no air conditioning. There are oscillating caged fans that are fuzzy and caked with lint. The fans, when they do work, rotate as fast as a 78.They offer little comfort or respite, other than easing the mind. The floors are not covered in carpet or clad in linoleum, they are poured concrete. In winter, they are as warm as the ice in Maple Crest Park, and as easily prone to crackle. A collision, if ever there was one seems moot. The train is too heavy to crash. It lumbers like a stampede of elephants. I am on this steel tomb traveling from New York City where I have been in to see the French Impressionists at the Met. I am not thinking about Monet or Van Gogh. I’m on the 5:15 and thinking about far more lovely...home. The Erie Lackawanna lines motto is, "The Friendly Service Route". The conductor punches my ticket with his clippers that cut a crescent shaped hole out of my receipt so I cannot use it again. The conductor wears a change dispenser like the Good Humor man. He is dressed in a navy blue uniform with brass buttons and wears a patent leather visored hat. He is quite daper. Even in 1973 or ‘4 he looks like costumed character in an old movie from MGM. He is perfunctorily friendly.

How much of me today is who I used to be? How is it that I remember the past with such clarity? It is an ordinary day, as the train lurches like a dowager into the South Orange station; I see the town sign, welcoming me home. It’s as familiar and forgettable as my bedroom wallpaper. The placard is gold serif font capped letters on a black background, SOUTH ORANGE. It’s crazed, flaking away like a memory, decomposing so slowly as to not really take notice. Suspended on rusted chains, the sign swings almost waving hello. The sign is burnt like peeling skin from the summer sun, and crackled like exema, by winter’s icicles. I have pulled into a station that was built in 1915, nothing has changed. It dare not. The walls are painted in the same governmental beige like the courthouse, hospital and jail cells. They are as thick as icing, glossy and slick as gum. The wainscoted tiles are a speckled, and glazed in a coppery brown. The terrazzo floors are polished. The wood benches look like an inverted roll down desktop. The varnish has won off from age and wear. The roof is done in the Spanish tradition, terra cotta and terribly eaten away. This station was built to last, and designed in a sort of gothic art moderne style, if there is such a thing. Regardless, the ceilings are impossibly tall, and an echo is present reminding you are in a kind of temple. Intricate windowss are a story tall, and have dish sized cut outs lacing through the elongated panes. The overall effect is almost holy, it creates a kind of imposed reverence, like church or museum, a place where you know you should respectfully lower your voice. Still it has seen better days. It is a Saturday afternoon and the 5:15 pulls into South Orange at a quarter of 6:00. Father says there are not many things in life that are as reliable as the 5:15.

The skies are just beginning to darken, it is not quite dusk. Dinner is served promptly at 6:00. This is ritual, like going to the 10:15 mass and taken as seriously as my mother. This gives me fifteen full minutes to waltz home.
To me, South Orange is like an engagement. It is a promise for a life. You must be faithful and practice fidelity. It means you belong to someone, and that they in turn belong to you. That is what we residents are raised to believe.
A lot of my life story can be told by names. Like the perfubctory names of the streets, I will traverse to get home. I walk up South Orange Avenue to Valley Street, then Second Avenue, down Academy across Prospect Street to Garfield Place. Home. Garfield Place was named for President James Garfield who was assassinated in of all places a train station. Therefore Garfield Place seems almost mournfully romantic. On Garfield Place I will walk past the homes of our neighbors, italians, irish catholics and Jews, an integrated street, where the Ostrovsky’s, the McGurty’s, the Evans‘, the Mollach’s, the Larkin’s, The Heber’s and Houle’s, and the Jocknowitz’s live. Our lives are bound to one another. Some in meaningful ways other just by the trivialities of life and shared experiences. I have to walk pass my neighbors home every day, several times a day. So often that I do not need to open my eyes to see where I am going. This is a ritual I know so well, it’s monotonous. To pass the monotony I hum to my self-old songs ever present like “It Ain’t Gonna Rain, No More, No More!” and Stephen Foster's, “Why Must The Beautiful Always Die”. Songs so old they are a part of my DNA. I do not know where they come from, perhaps from our music primers at school “Making Music Your Own” by Mary Tinan Jay, our Clinton School kindergarten teacher. Now new people who I do not know are living on Garfield Place. That seems impossible. I seem impossible too.

Am I who I used to be? Have I edited something meaning out? I think. I struggle to convey how beautiful it once was. How beautiful I once was. Garfield Place is a pretty Street. The homes were built between the wars, 1918 and 1939. Like the Erie Lackawanna, they were built to last. They are stable buildings, in the Victorian styles of Queen Anne, Edwardian, Tudor, and Mission. More names. They have three, four and five bedrooms, basements and attics. Families tend to have as many children as there are bedrooms, although many of us share bedrooms with our baby brothers or older sisters with much regret. Our homes have cold pantries, back porches and architectural trim that is exquisite. Some families still get milk, eggs, butter, soda, laundry, dry cleaning, the evening paper and prescriptions from the pharmacy and the evening paper delivered. Our doorbells ring with great frequency .
The yards are still green and the leaves are the last shade of green. Just before, they explode in color for autumn. The maple trees like enchanted guards hover over us stationary, forceful and silent. Dotted between them are oaks, elms and chestnuts. They too create presence, suggest stability, and speak to history. The summer gardens are picked over and the last blossoms are burnt by frost and tinged with mildew, resulting in a cacophony of dizzying fragrance into the wood chip mulch purchased from Pierson’s Mill.

My memory is illuminated by the past. The streetlights are lit by gas, they are lanterns. They cast eerie yellow shadows on the pavement. State of the art in 1920, they have the efficiency of candlelight to illuminate a room. The street lights look like set dressing in a turn of the century melodrama. They speak like shorthand to another time that we share, if not fully live in. The sidewalks are mostly grey slate slabs milled from the local quarry, Kiernan’s, long ago defunct. Roots from trees have forced them up at odd angles and present liability issues for the town fathers, but residents love them and fight to keep them. We are resistant to change, and slate is more romantic than concrete. Responsible parents have turned on the front lights on their porches and porticos to help guide us home safely. Inside the front windows, homes have turned on the living room lights and TV sets hum with incendiary light.
Home. What is a home? It is a place of business and activity and intense loneliness. Time passes as quickly as TV dinner can be made. Loneliness is about absence. How does one describe what’s not there, what’s missing? Loneliness creeps in slowly on pirouette, like a sugar plum fairy, on point, precarious, elevated as if not earth bound. Loneliness is difficult to contain because it’s like air, it has no form or definition, and it is invisible. It is everywhere. Everywhere except the moon.

Happiness is not a TV dinner. Our ovens are baking hot and all four stove tops are burning bright with pots filled with food. The smells of garlic, beef and cauliflower spill out into the street. More names to identy us, Saturday night in the suburbs is roast beef with gravy or breaded pork chops and Mott's applesauce. It is bowls of frozen string beans in Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup with French’s baked onion skins; there is cauliflower in Velveeta cheese sauce. There are glasses filled with Coke or Dr. Pepper There are Parker House Rolls warmed in the oven, or Pillsbury Crescent rolls, black from over baking and dripping in Imperial margarine to deaden the taste. Saturday night is as meaningful as a TV commercial where actors pretend to be happy families. They tell us how it should be, and how it should taste. It is confounding that in every other household on Garfield Place that this ritual is occurring. Slick advertisers on Madison Avenue have realized the personification of their dreams. Unfortunately, like dreams, it is quickly forgotten.
We are anesthetized by life. At dinner, we seldom speak except to exchange unpleasantries and banalities. I don’t know what we do if some real was to happen, if someone expressed a genuine emotion. We therefore watch TV reruns on the portable TV. The familiarity of the expected is welcome and safe. We debate the merits of the news, “Bewitched“, “I Dream of Jeannie“, “Lucy” and “The Adams Family“. We settle on “Lucy”, when the grim and sardonic Charles Addams is more apropos. The loneliness is as heavy as grief.
But what in heaven’s sake does it all mean? Am I who I used to be? I suppose an open heart is like an open sore, easily infected and likely to fester. Today my heart is open, it is sore, not a fatal wound, just a tiny pierce from the past, but it beats the way it used to, when I was who I used to be.