In 1969, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) by Dr. David Reuben, was one of those books that my parents hide under the mattress, but that I could secretly linger at in the South Orange Public Library, as long as the librarian didn’t shoo me away. Regardless, it was one of the most successful books on the NY Times Best Sellers List, and sold over 150 million copies It was even made into a film by Woody Allen. (Although I don’t recollect a chapter on marrying your step-daughter.)
To me shopping is like sex. There is good shopping, and not good shopping. Shopping can be recreational, entertaining, a chore or marital obligation. Rest assured, sometimes even I don’t want to shop…I really do have a headache. Still, I think of myself as a part of the shopping revolution. I have a healthy shopping libido.
I know you can’t judge a store by its size (even if your name is Bed, Bath & Beyond or Office Max). Still, I think that I’d rather test out a new department store than some dinky specialty retailer. Those are just the fact’s call me old fashioned.
I’ll admit it. I am not a monogamous shopper, I shop around, but I don’t have a bad reputation, and I invariably come back to my devoted and dedicated, you know who you are. After all it’s not like we’re engaged, or I have one of your charge cards.
I firmly believe in safe shopping, that is, not heading into Saks Fifth Avenue with a credit card, otherwise you maybe come out with a shopping transmitted disease like Nordsromitis or Bergdorf Goodman’s Ailment. There is no anti-biotic or treatment on the market for that yet. But don’t use me, I don’t want to get shopped! While I’ve never engaged in retail prostitution, I know that Forever 21 fulfills a need for shopaholics, and I won’t judge, I just wish they would make it legal.
Yes, we all love a pretty boy or a sexy girl, but mannequins are only skin deep. Still, I’ll confide, those well dressed windows at Dolce & Gabanna does get me going. That’s why I believe that aphrodisiacs really work, providing they are 50% off sales signs, and shopping incentives, if you are a preferred shopping, which I usually am.
I’ll let scientists and feminists debate if there really is a “G” spot. All I know is that something does come over you, a flushed, faint feeling when you try on a pair of jeans, and they fit just right. I mean I nearly fainted once in Diesel when the new washes came in. I may not have done a Meg Ryan, but oh my God! OH MY GOD, YES, YES!!! I’ll have a pair of those.
